


She'll Never Be A Story I Make Up (You Were The One I Didn't Know Where To Stop).

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Accidental Outing, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Coming Out, Courfeyrac Is The Center, F/F, Hockey, Modern AU, POV Éponine Thénardier, Pittsburgh Penguins, Washington Capitals, Women in the NHL, Yay WIP finishing!, queer issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:16:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: Cosette gets drafted in the first round to the Washington Capitals. Eponine gets drafted in the fourth to the Pittsburgh Penguins and she can do this, she can totally do this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another from the "I looked at it four years later and realized it was basically done" files. This was started, eons ago, for an exchange recip who wanted Eponine/Cosette and also Caps and Pens, but this fic diverged enough from their prompts that I wrote them something else instead. This fic owes a debt to the many excellent fics in Hockey RPF from which I stole the idea of the NFL having women playing in it. The title is from [Nearly a Valediction by Marilyn Hacker](https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/nearly-valediction), which is the best.

1.

It all goes to shit in 2009 during the conference semi-finals. It's game six, a home game, and the first line is destroying the Caps, really laying it into them. Eponine keeps glancing towards the goal and maybe it gets noticed or maybe it's just her fucking luck, but that night, Enjolras bangs on her door until she opens it, wearing her favorite Pens sweatshirt and not much else, and then he just barges in.

Combeferre and Courfeyrac are right behind him, because where the captain goes, his loyal lieutenants follow. They sit on her couch like it's judgment day, Courfeyrac naturally centering this line of assault, and Eponine does not have time to deal with this shit.

"Guys, it's too fucking early," she tells them.

"Someone called PR for a comment about you and Fauchelevent. We figure it'll be on Deadspin by five." Enjolras is looking at her with his face of fury. "Are you really fucking their goalie?"

Eponine slugs him and then things relax a bit. Courfeyrac pours her some whiskey. Combeferre sticks Eponine's phone in her charger, saying she's gonna need it. Enjolras just looks awkward and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"But are you?" Combeferre asks.

"Not anymore," Eponine says, and that should be it, but it's not.

"You know the team has your back," Enjolras says. "Fuck society. But not the enemy, Thenardier."

"Yeah, whatever," Eponine says, because hockey's just a sport, but this is the playoffs. There's no _just_ anything. "Give me a break, it's not like this was recent. We were kids, okay? She was nice to me, no one else was. And then shit happened and she moved away, end of story." It's not really the end of the story, but this isn't ESPN. There's no need to rehash Cosette's sob story ad nauseum.

Courfeyrac gives her more whiskey.

"We are on your side," Combeferre says, forever an ocean of calm competence between Enjolras, still pissed, and Courfeyrac, probably drunk. Well, that's why he gets paid the big bucks. "What do you want us to do?"

Eponine shrugs. "I'm not looking to rock any boats. Enough people hate me as is. I got no comment. The rest of your bozos better not have a comment. We'll kick their asses in game seven. By the time we play them again, no one will care that apparently some female athletes have the audacity to be lesbians."

And that's how it should have gone.

 _Should_ have gone.

Except Cosette Fauchelevent takes the opportunity to come out publicly and thank her old girlfriend, Eponine Thenardier, infamous left-winger for the Pittsburgh Penguins, for inspiring her to follow her dreams and be true to herself and not flinch from hard choices.

And then Eponine doesn't talk to her off the ice for two years.

 

2.

Well, okay, it really went to shit when Eponine stood up, said her dad was making her throw games, and then filed to become an emancipated minor.

And then she somehow got a hockey scholarship in spite of that and then she somehow got drafted _really_ in spite of that and then she ended up here, out of the closet and pissed off.

They win the Stanley Cup. Everyone asks Eponine about Cosette. She doesn't say a word.

 

3.

And, look, it's not like Eponine cares all that much. With all the shit in her life, being outed is pretty low on the list. She's the legal guardian for her three brothers and she's putting Azelma through college. Her ex standing up and outing her is just one more thing.

But it was something Eponine didn't ask for.

She's a role model probably just by default. There aren't that many women in the NHL and so if you've got the chromosomes, you've got the responsibility. Eponine had always been happy to shove that off onto everyone else, but, the point was, she was aware of the attention. Never really flourished under it the way Cosette did. Cosette always takes everything seriously. Cosette knows responsibility. She's the most responsible person Eponine knows.

Cosette basically got drafted and then turned around and decided to be An Inspiration To Girls Everywhere. Eponine got drafted and then got wasted. Cosette's always made better choices.

If this were a fairy tale, Eponine's the ugly sister, the one holding the pretty sister back. Eponine's the witch with the bad teeth and Cosette is Snow White. If this were a story, Eponine's the bad guy.

But this is her real life and Cosette calls her and says, "um, Eponine, can we talk? I'm really sorry. It's just, I thought you were out. You never made any secret of it when we were dating."

And, "Eponine? It's me. Cosette. Look, I know you don't want to talk to me. I really respect that. But, yeah. Congrats, that was a great goal. Anyway, call me, text me, e-mail me, send me a homing pigeon. And, um. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But when you told your dad that I was your girlfriend, I took that to mean that you-- can you call me? Please?"

And, "hey, it's me. I'll be in town. Can we get lunch? Dinner? A movie? It's just for a few days, I'm there for Marius's goalie camp. Anyway. Hope I see you."

And, "please, Eponine. Please just call me."

 

4.

The night Cosette gets carried off the ice on a stretcher, Eponine gets thrown out of a bar. It's hockey, shit happens, but this is why she doesn't drink too far from where she lives. Getting a cab can be iffy, so she'd rather walk. So she walks and lets herself in and throws herself onto the couch. Gavroche is watching tv and stares at her when she comes in.

"The kids asleep?" she asks.

"Yeah," says Gavroche, looking back at the screen. "And Cosette called." He turns the volume up. It's his way of yelling at her for being an idiot.

The thing is, Eponine's really good at hockey, good in a way like nothing else in her life. She loves it, she lives it, she breathes it, but it's also her job. The shit Cosette pulled could have taken hockey away from her, but hockey's not just a game. It's how Eponine puts food on the fucking table. And, yeah, they aren't starving. Eponine did that enough as a kid to know what that's like. But she's gonna give her siblings a better life than she had and that means money. Good house, good schools, good clothes, good friends. It means she fucking bought a house she could still afford even if she got injured and couldn't play anymore, means she's putting most of her money towards tuition and college funds, means she's set up fucking _trust funds_ for them. Rookies all get financial training, but it's the sort of thing like, saving money for dummies and how to invest and what a pyramid scheme is and why they're bad news. Eponine's the breadwinner for a family of five and there's no fucking way she's failing them. They've been failed enough. Eponine ain't adding to that.

And hockey pays well, but Cosette could have cost her the only goddamn thing in this world Eponine is any good at. Without hockey, who the hell is she? She's nobody, just the Thenardier girl. Inside a rink, she's Engine Engine Number 9, fucking up everyone's lines. But out of the rink, she ain't shit.

"I know," Cosette says, miserable. "I get it, I really do."

"The worst part is, I don't even hate you," Eponine says. "I ain't even mad."

"Yes, you are," Cosette says. "Eponine, I'm sorry. I was really high on emotions, I was pissed off and angry and I thought, if this is the time, then it's the time. I wanted to get in front of the story. And I was so thankful for you, because you got me through some rough times. You were the only one on my side when I thought I could really do this. Everyone thought I was too dainty to go pro and you thought that was just so much bullshit. 'The only stick I need is in my hands, not between my legs'; I nearly got that tattooed. You were always so brave. You said fuck the world and I was a coward. I wanted to be out in high school like you were, but I was scared. I didn't want to be a cliche, that female athletes must all be into girls. I didn't see that I was being part of the problem. You can be homecoming queen and captain of the hockey team, and I get that. I didn't get it then, but I get it now. You taught me that and I'll always be grateful."

Eponine brushes away tears. "I'm not who you think I am," she says. "I'm sorry."

"You're so much stronger than I could ever be," Cosette starts and then Eponine stops listening, just puts the phone down and goes to get coffee, because what the fuck, what makes her stronger? All that bullshit, that she must be strong, the fuck she's strong. What's the alternative? Life happens and you roll with it, because what else is there to do? Strength has nothing to do with it. Shit hasn't broken her yet, but that's not strength, that's, fuck, whatever it is, it's not like Eponine is some wonderful person who can magically handle crap other people can't. That shit's just wrong. It gives people an out on fixing things, and Eponine isn't here to be pitied or held up as some kind of beacon of strength and endurance and fucking _bootstraps_.

But she does call Cosette back and try to explain it. Because Cosette's on IR for a while, so there's not much else for her to do. 

Really, Eponine's taking one for the Eastern Conference here. She's totally a hero.

 

5.

In the morning, Eponine and Azelma take the kids to their goddamn expensive exclusive private school and then do the shopping. They're in the middle of the chips aisle when Eponine's phone rings. It's her agent, and what people forget about Cosette is that she's a perfectly pure prodigy princess and also a professional hockey player. In other words, she's a fucking shark when she knows what she wants.

"I don't need her help," Eponine says.

"Yeah, you do." Montparnasse epically doesn't give a fuck about sparing her feelings. It's one reason Eponine will always love his deceitful little heart.

"Ugh," Eponine says. "Fine."

 

6.

It's a stupid fucking charity event. Eponine doesn't even want to talk about it.

Ever.

With anyone.

"I hate you," she tells Montparnasse. Her face hurts from smiling, and the worst part is, it's generally been a genuine smile. She's actually having a good time. Because of goddamn Cosette Fauchelevent and her trying to PR her way into Eponine's heart.

"That's what you pay me for," he says.

Cosette's aggressive; when Eponine checks her phone, Cosette's added herself under four different names. It pays to be thorough when you're a goalie, Cosette had once explained to her earnestly. And it's flattering, Cosette wanting her again, wanting her still. But it's not like this is ever going to work. It didn't work before, why would it work now?

The way it is goes like this: Eponine's always had a Thing for hockey competence. It's smart and it's sexy, the things you can do with your body, the way you sweat, the way you feel the day after. The way other hockey players look, the way they walk. The way a goalie can bend in bed.

These are all important things.

Other important things: You can win and people will still call for your head if they don't like the way you did it. Winning is no defense against being traded. There are always better options out there. Sometimes the money is right and then you're gone, no matter what you've done for the team. Eponine knows she's always teetering on being expendable. Loyalty is to teammates, not to the team, because the team won't be loyal to you. Trust in the people around you, always have their back, and always expect to be traded with nothing more than a pat on the back and some muttering about cap space.

Cosette knows that, too, which should make this all perfect. They'd understand each other. They'd understand their motivation. They'd understand how it all works. But-- they still have the irreconcilable differences they broke up over. And that's not nothing.

Eponine relies on herself and she relies on her siblings and she's not about to let Cosette Fauchelevent become someone she relies on. People let you down. People will always let you down. Cosette choked on Eponine's trust issues before, and it's not like they're getting any better.

They're all doomed.

 

7.

The problem is, she really wants to say yes. But the problem also is, she can see how this would go:

She will find herself falling back in love with Cosette. (She will find herself never having fallen out of love with Cosette.) It will be Combeferre who notices and takes her to the side. They will hide it under the illusion of a scrimmage. Eponine will score sixteen times, utterly ruining Pontmercy's day. 

They will not win the Cup that season. They will get locked out of the next. Cosette will come visit because what else is there to do. Eponine can't abandon her family to go play in Europe, and Cosette does too much work for her father's charity. There's nothing to do except keep their promises to their families, and practice with each other whenever there's time. They will pass the entire lockout this way.

Les Amis will act like protective older brothers, even though half of them are younger than Eponine. Cosette will pretend to be intimidated by Bahorel.

They will get brunch at trendy restaurants in Pittsburgh and DC. They will hold hands. It will be all over the internet.

Eponine will never be happy about being a role model. Cosette will always thrive under the spotlight.

One day, they will meet again in the playoffs. When this happens, there will be only five games. Cosette will have intended to propose after the sixth, and she'll be mad as hell when she can't. Eponine will laugh her way to a Stanley Cup.

Eponine will let her propose anyway, because Eponine is, was, and always will be a fool for Cosette Fauchelevent.

 

8.

It's no surprise: it doesn't go like that.

 

9.

Cosette knows how to love and Eponine knows how to fight. Opposites might attract, but they repel much more easily.

It'd be easier if she still didn't love Cosette. (She thinks she loves Cosette.)

It's hard. She loves Cosette as much as she can love anything, but she doesn't really know what love is, what it looks like, what it sounds like when it screams in her ears. She cares for her siblings and worries about them and wants to protect them. She lusts for Cosette and wants to make her smile. Somewhere in there, liking turns to loving, but Eponine doesn't know, she can never find the line between them. She doesn't know how to feel love. Maybe everything she feels is love, maybe nothing. She doesn't know. She feels for Cosette sometimes like she feels for hockey: exhilarated, terrified, _hopeful_.

But it's not like her parents gave her any kind of example of what love looks like, and the rest of her life has been spent on a sheet of ice. Love means fighting, one way or another. Parental fights don't get you penalties, though. Just really bitter children.

Cosette's mom died when she was a kid, but she got adopted, and her dad is great, loves her the way parents are supposed to. Cosette knows how to love and she'd tried to teach Eponine and all Eponine had gotten out of it was: this is all very confusing. Love looks like caring, looks like concern, looks like being thoughtful, looks like empathy and emotion and unabashed feeling. Eponine is good at none of those. She can do all the actions. She doesn't know if she's feeling the right feelings. 

But Eponine knows how to fight, so she'd done that. She'd tried to fight for Cosette, but Cosette hadn't wanted someone who'd get into bar fights for her, who'd break down doors for her, who'd claw her way through all obstacles. Every time Eponine tried sweetness, it was just accusations. Why are you like this, why can't you see, I hate you, I love you, I can't do this anymore.

Prouvaire likes to say: if your first love didn't break you, you were doing it wrong.

Maybe Eponine was in love after all.

 

10.

"It ended when we got drafted to different teams," Cosette told some reporter somewhere, and it's a year later, so Eponine most assuredly does not care, but then someone asks Eponine, hey, if you and Fauchelevent were on the same team again...?

And it's been a long day, okay, and a long season, and a really long career, it feels like, with questions about Cosette always there, and Eponine tries every day to be the adult, to be above it all. Azelma's excelling at CMU, the boys aren't getting expelled from school, and Eponine still has a career; she really can't ask for more.

Okay, well, she could ask to be pretty, but she ain't, hockey's seen to that. Her face has too many stitches, she's gotten too many teeth knocked out, her nose has been broken four times. If she bleeds, it's just another day at the office -- if she _doesn't_ bleed, she's not doing her job. So she's not pretty, that ship has sailed.

Cosette used to touch her like she was, though. Used to touch her like she was priceless and made of glass, like she was something worth loving. Eponine's spent her life trying to be a good person, not actually being one. She's aware of the difference. She's selfish, a bit spoiled, a lot broken. Her parents sucked, yeah, but lots of people's parents sucked. She doesn't have any right to feel like Cosette owes her anything, or that the world does.

But sometimes she wishes Cosette would just stop and the world would just stop, and maybe Eponine could fade back into the background instead of being one of the two NHL players out of the closet. Even if they hadn't dated, Eponine figures everyone would still be trying to set up her and Cosette. Everyone wants that fairy tale ending. Everyone wants this to be a Disney movie.

"If you guys got back together," Gavroche says, "just imagine how much you could sell the film rights for."

He's such a brat.

Eponine doesn't know what to tell the reporters, can never think of a lie good enough or broad enough to cover everything. We were close and now we're not -- maybe we still aren't, but maybe we are, I don't fucking know. We fell in love and then we fell out of love -- except maybe we're still in love, it's hard to tell. We play on rival teams and sometimes I score on her, it's awesome, and sometimes she blocks all my shots, it sucks. We loved, we lost, we played a shitload of hockey, what more do you want?

Cosette wants honesty. Deserves honesty. No one else does.

Eponine's always prided herself on being fast and sneaky. You don't see her coming until boom, she's in your face, but then she's gone again. It works great on the ice, but it's a crap approach to have to life. And Cosette deserves honestly.

"I still love you," Eponine says. "But I can't be with you, not now."

Cosette says, "Then I'll wait." Then she smiles sadly. "But I won't wait for you forever."


End file.
